4 GBP Nasi Lemak

At the pervading risk of this article turning into the classic newsletter school trip report we will be breaking from convention in this, this meager publication's first sports editorial.

Precisely more than four weeks ago from today, along with another stalwart of the post-GIS blogging scene, Matthew Rust; this humble editor commenced on a flamboyantly metaphorical and physical journey through the perils of football team organisation, a gripping four hour coach trip, and ultimately what turned out to be an enjoyable day on Saturday the 31st of November at the Nottingham Malaysian Games 2009 Sports Competition & Family-Fun Day.

Team Details

Lustfully thrusting themselves forward upon the Ben Teo heartland of Nottingham, United Kingdom a team comprising: Nikesh ‘Safe Hands’ Chahal, Andy ‘Pec-heavy’ Chan, Ben ‘Suspect Match Practice’ Bradley, an up for it Matthew ‘Perry’ Rust, Menzie ‘Furious’ Kee, recent Singaporean import Vincent ‘Solskjear’ Au, and the ever-present team official and administrator Clement Chew Sdn Bhd - equivocally represented the remnants of the fabled Garden U18 Team of 06/07 (forth best team in South East Asia due only to some consistently gregarious refereeing malpractice throughout their tenure), in this the perennial competition in the British Universities Malaysian Sporting Calendar.

Possessing the rare qualities of negligible match practice in the months prior to the game and a carefully selected average of two hours of sleep the night before, preparations never looked better for what became known as Team Punggol War Clan, as this troop of drained yet talented individuals collectively descended at 0800h upon the Power League Nottingham stadia, adjacent to a resplendent British Tobacco Processing Plant and the best of Nottingham’s marshlands.

British American Tobacco, Nottingham University Campus

Team Punggol WAR Clan - (L-R) Solskjaer, Faye, Diego Forlan, (seated) Uriah Rennie, Sun Jihai, Ronaldo, David James

In a nod to the fabled efficiencies of Chris Ho, by 0835h all non-tournament logistics and administration had been taken care of by the assured Clement Chew. All necessary tournament information was then garnered by team organiser B Bradley at the pre-tournament briefing given in succinct Bahasa Melayu. It was learnt that a grand total of 64 teams were present.

Emergency Servis 24 Jam Response Team

Foundations in place, at 0900h Team Punggol War Clan commenced a quick and efficient warm-up using a ball generously temporarily procured from an unsuspecting nearby team.

Warm-up in progress

Preparations were dealt a blow however when the nearby team turned about face and aggressively commenced retrieval of their ball, cutting short Team Garden’s pre-game warm-up to an efficient 25 seconds.

Match 1: Birmingham ‘A’

Adrenaline surging through the veins, Team Garden lumbered through their first game against Notts Games 2008 Champions Birmingham University A. Presenting the lead to their furious opponents in the first half, a lethargic run from M Rust combined with a lazy Andy Chan back-heel were sufficient for Team Garden to finish the game at level pegging with the final score 1-1.

Prior to scoring

The game also concluded with Acting Defender B Bradley on the receiving end of a torrent of nationalistic abuse from a vertically-different member of the opposing team after this upstanding individual unfortunately managed to collide with a wooden buttress.

Match 2: Leicester ‘A’ (2-3)

Eventualities aside however, Team Garden entered their next game going through the motions against a ridiculous Leicester ‘A’ side.

Nevertheless whatever the final score line it could be safely said from a neutral perspective that Team Punggol War Clan stood firm in retaining the moral victory in this their penultimate game of the tournament.

Match 3: King’s College London ‘A’

Highlights here included: ‘Shut the fuck up, no one’s talking to you’, ‘Fuck you’, and ‘Go learn English and go home.’

Team Garden won 4-1.

Match 4: Team Total 90 dan satu mat salleh (2-2)

Highlights here included a last minute penalty awarded to the opposing team after keeper Nikesh Chahal opted to touch the ball with his feet.

This malicious act proved to be the final straw for the tournament organizers and thus ended Team Punggol War Clan’s brief and bittersweet campaign in the Notts Games of 2009.

Compliments to Adzim Halim for the gracious loan of his personal car as the official team transport vehicle for the day.

Other luminaries who featured on the day were:

Colin Say

Provided both moral and physical support to Imperial College London volleyball team.

Jonson Tan

Volleyball action for Loughborough University (alumni including Matthew Rust).

Lee Ky-Ling

Clement what did you want to write here?

Datuk Ahmed Shabery Bin Cheek, Minister for Youth and Sports

Who took time out of his personal schedule to meet and greet players, fans and indeed team officials and administrators.

- GISEYE

Special Guest Article Edition #1

With some quarters loudly proclaiming that we here at GISEYE have lost the common touch; others, that we are severely deficient in any ability to write in a manner befitting the general readership; and others still, that few people actually read the drivel that we aggressively spew forth - after weeks of deliberation and in a flagrant attempt to increase our readership, we now are happy to publish an article that is neither exclusive, hard-hitting, outwardly-controversial, nor written by GISEYE.

Instead, we are now proud to present a special guest edition of the tri-monthly GISEYE Report.

Here, writing exclusively for GISEYE by a writer going under the pseudonym of 'Aarti Samtani’ - as follows is a dark yet deeply moving missive that limbers through the ups and the downs of university life.

‘Looking at your future as a child raises a myriad of fears and concerns’

Looking at your future as a child raises a myriad of fears and concerns. The majority of university related issues that arise are centralised around a predictable concept… grades.

With hindsight I realised the short sightedness of my childhood dreams. I shouldn’t have wasted my prayers on getting into University. Rather, I have realised, good accommodation is an even greater rarity and far less likely to come by.

Chapter 1 – The Plywood Years

My first apartment was defined as a ‘three bedroom complex’ by which he meant 2 bedrooms and a room within a living room. The last unfortunate room was barricaded with flimsy plywood.

Oddly enough, the room within a living room was not the worse feature of the apartment. The apartment looked like a dungeon; with little windows and a drier without a timer function. It was challenging; I was never certain if my clothes were shrinking or if it was the rapid horizontal expansion on my behalf (the later turned out to be true). Alternate accommodation was therefore arranged after a long year of searching.

Chapter 2 - Denial Through The Medium Of Spring Rolls

Now one would think, ‘what are the chances of getting screwed over twice?’ In my case, VERY likely. The current place I stay in has a curfew of 10pm on weekdays and midnight on weekends. Unfortunately, it is an enforceable rule.

Just to complete the whole affair; I am not allowed to cook unless prior permission is obtained. How the heck did I get myself in this situation? Well, funny story really.

It all started when I was deep frying spring rolls. The oil heated up and started smoking which resulted in a smoky environment. The lady of the house freaked out and shook with anger (literally, she was vibrating with anger… rather scary really) and from that fateful day I haven’t been allowed to cook. Clearly, I haven’t had much luck in the accommodation department.

Chapter 3 – Sorrow

I could never understand why one would want to own a home. After a year and a half I have now changed my mind. For those out there who suffer the same fate; I sincerely sympathize. I genuinely wish you the best of luck as I sit at home on Friday at 12.30am at the peak of my youth.

- The writer is currently reading Medicine at the University of New South Wales. When not courting legal controversy through publishing prose such as above, the writer enjoys cooking, losing weight, and taking leading roles in school-wide drama performances.

This is GISEYE, signing out.

Stay safe.

School Website Hacked Exclusive

Following a remarkable turn of events over the past week, we here at GISEYE, from the confines of the environs of inner-school internetreporting, are now able to reveal to you the ever-present undulating readership, recent reports of what is known in ‘hacker circles’ as a ‘cyber-attack’ upon the school website during the middle of last week.

As follows are exclusive to GISEYE, screenshots of the alleged attacks:

What am I looking at here

Utterly outrageous

After conducting extensive analysis and studying data available exclusively to GISEYE, we are now in the position to release the results of this study into the events that transpired leading up to this monumentally heinous crime - of what some say is of an utterly despicable yet daring nature that will no doubt serve to only strengthen the self-styled hard man yet softly spoken image this hacking perpetrator appears to be creating.

We have been led to believe that a group of hardcore individuals or indeed possibly one individual, slumbering on a chair in front of a computer screen in the confines of a dimly-lit perhaps subterranean basement room, whilst staring intently at the familiar screen in front of them, somehow managed to irregularly depress several keys on their well-worn keyboard and mouse in order to place the offending articles upon the school website - as one can see above.

Ben Bradley, Second Economics Correspondent, revealed that the opportunity cost of such an attack to the perpetrator could have been activities such as: doing homework, reading, and crucially in this health-conscious day and age - participating in many a physical recreation activity on a daily basis.

Firsthand Accounts

With regards to responses on the ground, rapid reporting by GISEYE is now able to reveal first-hand accounts from several individuals either connected to or formerly connected to the school, and by that link, the school website and thus, these distasteful online attacks.

In his first interview since being forced to relinquish his duties as Head Boy in June 2009, former Head Boy, Gregory Yap, in an initial state of blustering confusion stated, ‘how was it hacked?’ He then admitted exclusively to GISEYE the following revelation, ‘haha [sic] cool cool, this is new…nope,’ and with that categorically denying the possibility of the perpetrator being a disgruntled former teacher.

Meanwhile, close personal friend of Zi-wen Ho and also indeed of the popular yet humble Alang Aris, Ann Choong, sibling of Ian Choong, controversially revealed to GISEYE that she will personally be conducting her own investigations into this debacle, in a statement of, 'anyway.. im gonna go check it out.' As followed was a strong condemnation of the attacks with a provocative emotion-laden plea of, 'yeah thats it?...that is remarkably sad. probably cos someone hates him.' Ending with an informed cliffhanger of , '...the best way to get back at him is thru some technological hacking cos i suppose he must be pretty technologically savvy.'

Elsewhere, in a surprising statement, the enigmatic yet affable Henry Yen, Taiwanese graduate of Year 11 in 2005, and recently re-self-proclaimed, ‘the coolest guy you’ve met in ur life,’ in a cryptically ambiguous statement released by his advisors, controversially admitted, ‘it’s likely they were on the way to the school bus.’ As to whether the perpetrator was a disgruntled former teacher, Henry Yen (known to his close personal friends as 'Henry') declined to comment any further.

Finally, the omnipresent yet humble Woo YX, allegedly back from a recent business trip to PRC and currently preparing to dominate the selective KL nightlife scene, in a no doubt provocative aside quipped, ‘I think GIS IT Technicians are noobs XD,’ with a well-reasoned retort of ‘cause like they don’t know how to find the hacker and Dana’s brother have to like help them.’

Sick Filth

Finally, speculative speculation aside however, whilst recognising the immeasurable risks one would be exposed to in executing such a daring cyber-attack on the website of such a value for money educational institution - producer of such well-regarded individuals as the leadership-ordained Christopher J Ho, the fashionable Fariq Abdul Aziz, knowledge-bank Jason Ta-Liang Lim, the some say mysterious yet undoubtedly formidably pleasant amongst their peers Maevis Tan and Serena George, and possibly also Business Studies Supremo Thomas Maxwell - we here in our collective roles as second party observers opt to outwardly condone such cyber attacks such is their effect on limited school resources.

And finally, this hard-hitting exclusive just in from seasoned Co-Editor 2 Clement Chew:

"It is with our greatest regret and repugnance that we now feature this so-called facebook ‘group’ named the Moodle Hacker Appreciation Group. It appears that an eloquent individual going under the pseudonym of 'Affinity Male' has decided to start such a group glorifying the actions of this hacker. This, to the detriment of their homework completion abilities by nature of complete disregard in totality of their future academic achievements.

Already teeming with more than a hundred subscribers, this group appears to be a waste of time better spent perhaps revising for upcoming GCSE exams. No doubt 'Male' inherently feels a success for creating such a group, and while it is true that there are serious security concerns regarding the school website, there is no further need to add salt to the wounds."

And on that outrageous bombshell, this is GISEYE, signing off.

We hope that quality will improve in the future.

What Is This Sick Filth

Health, Fitness, & Fashion

'Hearty advice'

In this exclusive report, we here at GISEYE can now reveal to you the discerning reader, a discovery that quite possibly could be one of the steals of the coming academic year, lightening the fiscal burden for many a discerning consumer.

As a result of the previous paragraph you may now consequently be asking yourself, what precisely is this gloriously depicted bargain? Or indeed where can one take advantage of such a proposition? The answers to these questions may be revealed as follows.

‘Recent Reports on the Ground’

Recent reports on the ground indicate that the school shop is now selling house PE shirts for the perhaps jaw-dropping prices of RM19, RM21, and RM24, for sizes 24 & 26, 28-34, and 36-48 respectively. Whilst this revelation may now coerce you to abandon all current pursuit and commence direct and immediate journey to the school shop in question in order to take advantage of such an opportunity. Against all known logic however, we here at GISEYE do implore you to read on further as we divulge what possibly could bring an even greater benefit to one's wellbeing.

Splendid

Indeed, closer scrutiny of the recently unveiled house PE shirt price list revealed almost exclusively to GISEYE; opens up the existence of the fact that smaller sizes of such shirts are in fact priced lower than their larger more generous equivalents.

Extensive analysis of such evidence here at GISEYE has revealed that this consequently deduces that in order to take advantage of the cheaper shirts, one must endeavour to be either: shorter in height, or slimmer in girth.

What steps therefore, must one take to make the most of this subliminally beneficial currency-orientated exchange? A close source who may or may not have medical qualifications revealed to GISEYE that the following steps could possibly be taken in order to qualify for the cheaper, smaller shirts:

• Consuming less, rather than more, food.
• Exercising 7 times a day.
• Liposuction techniques.
• Exerting oneself through the medium of weights because weights have been professed to stunt vertical growth.

And indeed (though quarters here arguably question this):

• Hunching.

Unfortunately however, despite the exuberance at this pricing revelation at the GISEYE camp, not everyone appears to be welling in the veritable fountain of satisfaction that this deal regurgitates. Former well-respected student WOOYX, whom sources inform us has struggled in vain for the past half-decade to decrease in size, issued a statement in response: 'GG'.

Co-editor 2 Clement Chew countered this harsh statement however by enthusiastically overwhelmingly applauding the pricing strategies of the school book shop, quite possibly stating that it should encourage a whole generation of students to be both shorter, and slimmer, than ever before - though quite possibly to the detriment of the Basketball, Swimming, Athletics, Rugby, and Football teams.

'Golden Generation'

On the latter front however we must issue the statement that height on the whole did not appear to hold back what some call over the past fifty years, the ‘Golden Generation’ of school football, the Men’s U18 Football team of 06-07, winners of several regional tournaments and unfortunately due to possibly weather-orientated issues and refereeing malpractice, placed a disappointing fourth in the South-East Asian SEASAC football tournament, truly a calculated misrepresentation of their totalled abilities on the whole.

2nd Tallest Member T. Maxwell backtracking; Independent Playmaker M. Rust looking on; and Local Player V. Narula naturally entangled in the heat of the action

Returning to the matter at hand however. Elsewhere, sources have informed us that a man going under a pseudonym, that can coincidently also be translated directly from local dialect to mean ‘Excellent’, ‘Chun’, retracted his comment that such a clothing pricing bonanza was quite possibly of a homosexual nature. We later learned that this statement was actually wrongly attributed to ‘Chun’, and that in fact it has no place whatsoever in this exclusive report brought to you here first, by GISEYE.

'Undoubtedly popular amongst his peers' and avid GISEYE fan, Mr Lee Weng Yew, whom we have been informed by close sources, is in fact enjoying his summer holiday in Malaysia, was unfortunately unavailable for comment.

Meanwhile, Co-editor 1 Thomas Maxwell is taking a sabbatical, professed to be still washing his pants several times over after recently watching popular youth-band ‘Oasis’, live in London recently.

- GISEYE

A Debate Between Sino-Chinese Entity And Middle Ethnic Pupilage

An exploration of cultural relations between contrasting entities. Covering the initial dispute, synergistic solution formulation, and resulting rectification of a matter. With references to legislature enforcement, genealogical ties, and the economics of exchange. Broadly encompassed in the theme of core periphery. An audio transcription of the following discourse is available as follows if one so wishes.

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Now calling ah, ah really…

Record beh, record weh, got pick up phone ah?

Harlo?

Hallo!

Yah?

Eh you fucking cibai¹ who call this number ah 91403054?

I never call you leh

You fuck ah today you call how many time? About six time you know!

Now ah?

Ah now then when your father call ah?

Okay okay I see I see later I wanna check…

Fuck you…you stay where? You stay where? Tell me you stay where? You working where?

Tell you stay for what hah? Lakaninabo cibai bastard!

You mother cibai you fucking eh you fuck you ah…

I know you one hantam you, you fucking cibai you will stay where you tell me I come…

Ok you stay where? You stay where? You stay where you mother cibai you sarang puteh⁴ ha?

You we stay where people? Kaninabo cibai you is stay where?

I snare you ah, snare you, you mother cibai you mother cibai inside kosong one…

You stay where you tell me I now come, I see you, lakaninabo cibai bastard…

Cibai, you bastard ah…

Lakaninabo cibai…

Your mother father bastard ah?

You don’t know ah? Ha? Lakaninabo cibai…

Your mother father all bastard ah? Your mother father bastard ah? You see roti prata⁷ you fucking cibai ah.

You Chinese fuck, you Chinese fuck bastard la you fucking cibai!

I now call police I wanna call.

You tell me stay where?

I tell police your number. I now catch your number I call police. I wanna call your foreman² to come.

For what? I never take the IC, I wan Hi-Card³ I buy for me I never take.

Hai fuck you la your father ask you money buy card ah?

I buy the I-card…

No no no, I wan no report you fucking ah you make sure you come don’t come Singapore anymore as if you fucking bangla another cibai India motherfucker.

Ha? I told you already I want to I want to cancel the number.

Eh why you scold me? Why you scold me? You cancel, cancel your father ah? You scold me?

I said I said I change…

Ah fuck you ah now where you stay?

Ah? You is stay where tell me I come! You is stay where tell me I come!

You sure? You come Punggol⁵ now!

Ha?

Now ah you come Punggol!

Punggol ah? Punggol where?

Punggol! Block 107 now! Now you come!

The new block ah?

Fuck you ah, ask your father all come la!

Ha?

Mother cibai you.

I one man enough, you know don’t talk so much, I one man I, 3 person, 5 person, 10 person, don’t care already.

You come 10 20 men I also don’t scared ah!

Tell you I tell you already uncle I sorry sorry you want to fuck me people for what you tell me?

Of course what you call me I fuck you ah, you call me what?

You tell me, tell me so far you, instead of fucking fucking cibai for what. This one, cannot tell me people you call, talk nicely people, so people understand.

Eh fuck you ah I talk nicely, you call me 6 times I talk to you nicely, hah?

Ha? This number last time use ah my friend. But I don’t know he want to go back already.

AH fuck your friend la! I don’t care your friend, your father, or your mother use, I also don’t care. As long as you don’t call this number. Why you call 6 time?

Okay okay I want to cancel the…

You find you find prostitute ah? You think prostitute use this number? Your friend girl ah?

No la no la…

Ah then why you call call call call call ah?

Noonoo…

You fucking cibai bangala.

* * *

I now I now ah see I want to cancel the this number ok I see.

You fucking make sure you cancel ah, one more time I make sure, one time you call ah I make sure I kill you ah, your whole family all die ah, I tell you ah, I gangster ah I tell you ah…

Don’t worry I never give you IC I buy from this one ok?

Make sure ah?

I keep the fifteen dollar I buy for me one card.

Ok you fucking ah make sure you don’t call ok ah, I see ah…

Okay okay…

One more time you call ah, ah…

Ok I today I want to cancel this number.

Ah, then you must say sorry to me now!

Ok ok I thought solved already I say I keep repeat I sorry already…

I don’t want you talk so much I want you say sorry can already!

Ok ok sorry sorry I want to cancel this number now…

Ah, say very very sorry!

Ok ok, sorry sorry sorry…

Ok ok…

Ok ok ok ok…

---

APPENDIX
¹ The term 'cibai' which is repeatedly spoken throughtout the debate depicts a lady's private parts.

² When the Ah Beng refers to a "foreman" sometime in the beginning of the debate, he is speaking derogatively as he assumes that the Bangala possesses a blue-collared job and therefore has a "foreman" who is in charge of his work schedule.

³ A "Hi-card" is the equivalent of a mobile service provider such as "Vodafone" or "O2" as observed in the UK.

⁴ "Sarang puteh" refers to the white headband that Sikhs wrap around their head to protect their hair. Another derogatory term.

⁵ "Punggol" is a housing estate in Singapore particularly renown for its selection of gangs for residential purposes.

⁶ "Block 107" was indeed a new block.

⁷ "Roti Prata" refers to a piece of dough which is thinly whipped over and over again until it forms a delicious item of taste. Primarily produced by the Indian ethnicity residing in Singapore.